In a turn of events that has already come to be known as the dirty neoliberal conspiracy, all six presidential and vice presidential candidates have been banned from participating in the upcoming election, and the heart of the country’s economy is literally covered in mud.
A week of tit for tat exchanges, where candidates accused each other of secretly practicing the dark arts of neoliberalism, built to a dramatic conclusion on Sunday night, when the country’s election commission banned them from partaking in the upcoming presidential election.
In increasingly desperate attempts to prove that they were “pro-people’s welfare” and “anti-business”, candidates had giant billboards decorated with flowers set up in front of their respective offices over the last week. A “political spectrum”, a line of tulips, featured on all the boards, and candidates each marked their position on their respective floral spectrums with a rose.
As the accusations of neoliberalism became increasingly heated, so did candidates’ attempts to step away from any policies that espoused what they described as a pro-Western capitalist ideology. The roses placed on the billboards were observed being moved by candidates’ campaign aides further and further to the left of their floral political spectrums.
As though in sync with the floral displays, candidates ramped up efforts to prove their ideological soundness and anti-neoliberal stance.
“At every office I visited, I couldn’t believe it, all the candidates were giving public memorized readings of Karl Marx’s “The Communist Manifesto,” ElBinta radio journalist Witri said.
The nation’s only female presidential candidate held a press conference where she claimed to have had a silhouette of Argentine revolutionary Che Guevara tattooed on her backside. This claim could not be independently verified at the time.
In a dramatic scene, Acronymesia’s police chief had all candidates arrested on Sunday night under the country’s somewhat archaic anti-communism law. Officers dragged all six from their homes in handcuffs. The controversial former military leader now running as a candidate was seen to have adopted recycled fashion as he was taken by police, sporting a faded army barrette with a hammer and sickle motif freshly embroidered on it.
The head of the country’s elections body, Taufik Djoro, on Sunday night praised the arrests as necessary to safeguard democracy in Acronymesia.
“They wanted to ruin the elections with their dangerous ideologies, I have stopped this coup of theirs,” Taufik declared. “ I couldn’t risk the very event that is the foundation of our democracy being run inefficiently, or bought into question, as a result,” he said, adding that he had been unable to find any of the candidates’ names on the country’s voter list so had questioned whether they were legitimate citizens anyway. Taufik has since announced his intention to run as a the sole candidate in Acronymesia’s 2016 elections.
In a final shocking twist, an Acronymesian citizen working for a foreign oil exploratory company based in the capital city failed to disable a drill that was digging deep underneath the building of the country’s stock exchange. The resulting pressure from the excessive drilling forced a thick stream of mud to explode from underneath the building, blowing the structure sky-high.
Widi, the engineer, said that the candidates’ criticism of neoliberalism and Western capitalism portrayed in the media over the past week had left him ashamed about working for a foreign company. “I decided that the only way to ensure the welfare of my people was to see all Western companies pushed out of Acronymesia and to go work for an Indonesian oil company,” he said. “I was so distracted with my passionate new-found belief that I forgot to turn off the button.”
Mud continues to spill from where the building once stood and is already flooding residences kilometers away from the epicenter.
Residents of Acronymesia were left dazed and confused as to who their next leader would be.
“The most tragic thing about these horrible events is that what the candidates were first accusing each other of isn’t even neoliberalism,” John Glenn, the World Bank’s Asia division head economist said, pausing to sob quietly. “I actually don’t think they knew what they were talking about.”