I’m too sexy for this porn bill

by

It looks like the anti-pornography bill that conservative parties in Indonesia have been trying to get passed, in various forms, over the last few years is going to make it this time round. It’s being hailed by its supporters as a gift to the people during the holy month.

The civil libertarians are up in (probably uncovered) arms about it. So, it’s going to affect tourism, impact on the rights of women, criminalize victims of prostitution and contravene human rights legislation. It could potentially outlaw poetry, works of art, literature — and bikinis in Bali. 

Blah-di blah blah, I say.

The Islamic political party driving the bill, the PKS, is saying the legislation will shield the young from pornographic material and lewd acts and address widespread moral decadence. How can it be a bad thing? 

Personally, I’m all for the moral fabric of society being restored. And preventing the exploitation and abuse of women and children! Like hello, I’m a feminist. Bring it on, PKS, my Ramadan prezzy can’t come soon enough. 

But in my eagerness to be an upstanding member of the future, morally A-O.K. Indonesia, I’ve started to ponder. Pondering has led to panic. 

 Ideally I’d like to follow this law to the letter , but it’s come to my attention that I’m going to have problems. You see, I’ve realized I’m pretty sexy. 

“The bill, currently in draft form at the House of Representatives, defines pornography as acts that incite sexual desire,” a reporter at The Jakarta Post tells us. 

Under this definition, I’m essentially pornography on legs.

Where to begin. I once got told that the bird’s nest that is my hair when I’ve just woken up looks like ‘sex hair’, i.e: as though I’d just engaged in said activity. 

 On watching me devour banana-flavored ice-cream, wrapping the cream-soaked spoon around my tongue in ecstasy (I like food, ok…), a friend asked what other services I was trying to offer the ice cream, apart from just eating it.  

One ex-boyfriend with a book fetish said I looked sexy when I read. Another boy said he really liked how my wrists went limp like an effeminate drag queen when I made swirling hand expressions in anger. 

I don’t mean to be this hot. I really don’t. And Indonesia, I don’t want to be a pornographic inciter of sexual desire everywhere I go. Honest.

And then there’s what I think is sexy: The back of boys’ necks. Eggs on toast. And coffee. Served to me with muesli and fruit by a boy playing Ben Harper’s cover of ‘Sexual Healing’ on a Spanish guitar. Eyelashes. Red shoes. Frank O’Hara reading his poetry. A crackling recording of Pink Floyd’s ‘Wish you were here’. 

Yes, I am out of control.

In panic,  I’ve started compiling a list of ways to ensure I don’t become a red-light criminal once this bill gets out, shooting out sexual desire from every orifice, and making hard porn with breakfast and poetry.

Some rough notes:

— STAY AWAY FROM ICE CREAM ESPECIALLY WHEN IT IS MELTING

—- WEAR HAIR IN HAIRNET TO SLEEP.

— FOR THE SAKE OF MORAL DIGNITY, NO LIMP WRISTS, PLEASE. HOLD YOUR HANDS STRAIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU LIKE A ZOMBIE IF YOU’RE HAVING TROUBLE CONTROLLING YOURSELF. THIS MAY ALSO AID IN STOPPING PEOPLE WANTING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

—- MUSELI GETS YOU GOING SO IF YOU MUST HAVE IT MAKE SURE IT”S ONLY ROLLED OATS. CHERRIES ARE ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN.

— IF YOU MUST READ POETRY MAKE SURE IT”S BY DEPRESSED WRITERS WHO HATED THE WORLD AND NEVER FOUND LOVE. EVEN BETTER IF THEY KILLED THEMSELVES.

–AVOID EYE CONTACT WITH HOT PEOPLE. YOU ARE ALLOWED THREE SECONDS TO EVALUATE PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS BEFORE YOU MUST LOOK AWAY. UGLY PEOPLE ARE FINE TO TALK TO FACE TO FACE. IN FACT THIS SHOULD HELP ELIMINATE SEXUAL DESIRE FOR A FEW HOURS FOLLOWING THE INTERACTION.

Anyway, to ensure we’re all law-abiding members of Indonesia when this law flies in, I’d ask that you add your own preparatory notes below.

What will you do to stop inciting sexual desire everywhere you go?

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22 Responses to “I’m too sexy for this porn bill”

  1. anandaayu Says:

    Great post Belle! Witty and funny!

    I’m frustrated as well with this attempt to criminalize people – women in particular – and having them to be responsible of other people’s desires.

    And you are so true, almost anything can be pornography on legs!

    I don’t think that it will be passed though. A lot of people will say “thanks, but no thanks” to the ramadan gift offer. Let’s just hope the lawmakers would listen to that plea.

    Here is my list of things to do to stop inciting sexual desires:
    1. Stop taking ojeks (men on the street stare everytime I raise my legs to hop on the motorcycle – whatever outfit I’m wearing that day)

    2. Wear a mask over my mouth (some think that big lips or in Indonesian term ‘monyong’ lips are sexy)

    3. Change the way I speak – talk faster and get an accent. (A friend of mine said that the way I talk – slowly with an intangible accent – is sexy)

    4. Quit my French class lesson (one of the reason I joinned was because the language sounded sexy) Oh and avoid anything French, they’re innately sexy.

    5. Start applying whitening lotion to my skin (Some say that dark skin is sexy. Oh, but then what about those who think fair skin is sexy? What a conundrum)

    7. Quit my gym membership (I can’t run on a treadmil anymore can I? That’s porno action).

    Etc.etc.etc.etc
    Oh dear, oh dear.

  2. bilangela Says:

    Yes you are all sex Bellesbits…but that name is gonna have to go I’m afraid! How about Bellesstiffwrist?

    As for me:

    1. I will acquire a scooter, like Gob’s on Arrested Development, to stop my hips from swaying when I walk

    2. I will insert botox into my face to paralyze my mouth and avoid smiling

    3. I will also stop taking ojeks (motorbikes) to avoid the straddle

    4. I will never speak Spanish again! Este es la ultima vez!

  3. Ganjano Says:

    Looks like I’m going to have to don that burqa after all.

    Sorry ladies.😦

  4. Made to Order Says:

    I did like to make pelvic thrusts to underline a point. But alas, no more!

  5. SuicidalCat Says:

    “Personally, I’m all for the moral fabric of society being restored.”

    I’m gonna do some hypothetical questioning here and ask… restored back to what?
    No, that’s a genuine question. I can never figure it out. I thought us humans (as a collective) have always been Ugha Ugha neanderthals kicking each other crotches like it’s a hobby.
    So when some big shot official comes up and says, “Let there be no more moral decadence,” I get to asking myself… what’s left then?

  6. lovelliariesti Says:

    “What will you do to stop inciting sexual desire everywhere you go?”

    Tough, tough question. For a start, I might begin with reducing the overwhelming sexual desire radiated toward me by moving out of the country. But then I’d have to deal with sexually desirable foreigners and I might not be able to brace myself.

    So maybe I’ll wear a clown suit to avoid showing too much of my curves. Unfortunately, some people actually find female clowns irresistably sexual. Like I said, tough, tough question.

    Maybe you should write a follow up article containing an answer to that.

    But, really. This article is a mistresspiece. Simply irresistable. I read it twice, I confess.

  7. jemise Says:

    One might say that the Pornography Bill is a blatant attack on Om’bak; an attempt to rein us in, silence us, control us for being the sexy creatures that we are. Well, we won’t stand for it!

    Unequivocally, ojeks are out. It doesn’t matter if you wear a skirt, no skirt, trousers or a clown suit. It doesn’t matter if you side-saddle or straddle. Ojeks are out.

    I have since had confirmation of this. Today, a male colleague of mine fell into a ditch (another reference to cracked footpaths) outside the pasar whilst ogling a woman getting onto an ojek, scrapping his finger and his ego.

    Ojeks are sexy. There is no denying it.

    I wonder if the government has thought of all the social consequences of the Pornography Bill. Have they thought about the effect it will have on our dear ojek drivers? Do they realise the financial stress these ojek drivers will be put under? And, this will speak to the richer constituents, do they realise the effect it will have on traffic? If the Pornography Bill is passed, there will be less motorcycles on the road and more cars. Traffic will be at a stand still. Society will collapse as we know it.

  8. ourfrank Says:

    Oh M’bak.. you’re so sexy.. so sexy.. sexy.. *like the song😀

    There’s nothing wrong with being sexy, as long as you let us boys do more than just drool all over.. MERCY!

  9. nyscha Says:

    I’d become an anti-social hermit, probably. I cannot stop myself from spreading all this sexy. There is an abundance of sexy in my pores.

    Like when I lift my arms to tie my hair, I’m a porn bill felony waiting to happen. So first, I must stop tying my hair. I will either shave my head or hire a lackey to follow me 24/7 and provide me the service of getting my hair out of my face whenever needed.

    And apparently when I’m deep in thought, my face makes makes a little scrunched expression that some find “alluring”. So to end this, I must stop thinking. I will have to find some way to block my brain cells from emitting currents through my nervous system. I must learn how to impersonate a zombie.

    Ojeks are out for obvious reasons. Bajajs are out because they make me jiggle. Walking is out because I’d have to use my ass muscles to do that. Eating has too much lip & tongue action so it’s definitely out of the picture. Sneezing makes me look like a wild, uninhibited sex kitten so I must really learn to suppress those darn sneezes.

    What can I say? The sexy need not be brought back because it never left. This porn bill will be the death of us all.

  10. jemise Says:

    Forget traffic. Sex is an “act that incites sexual desire”. Reproduction will cease. The social ramifications of this bill are insurmountable.

  11. Cameron Says:

    I’m turned on by tough, morally upstanding lawmakers who act for the best interests of all. So firm and unyielding, so unwavering in their beliefs. Don’t even get me started about strict, restrictive, poorly thought out legislation passed during holy months. When I’m in Indonesia, this bill outlaws itself.

  12. bellesbits Says:

    Haha Cameron!
    Someone should let the lawmakers know when you’re in sight, lest it sense your sexual desire, implode in on itself and blow up the parliament.

    (goverement spies monitoring this site under the online porn law, please do not kick my out of the country, I am not a treasonous violent anarchist, I was only trying to be funny. Pretty sexy, huh?)

  13. anandaayu Says:

    House postpones passage of porn bill
    http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2008/09/19/house-postpones-passage-porn-bill.html

  14. Ashlee Says:

    I think I will have to leave the country if this gets through. My boobs seem to be somewhat pornographic no matter how modestly I try and cover them. And I think banding them down would hurt. The poor girls. And some people like the flat chest thing. It’s such a dilemma.

    Great post you saucy minx.

  15. lovelli Says:

    I think I must stop talking now. A text message from a listener who was listening to the radio when I was announcing, said that my voice was sexy. I have been having bad dreams ever since.

    I think the moral police is out to get me.

  16. Moody in a manic city « Om’bak Says:

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  17. Novia Says:

    Great post, Belle, hilarious, yet witty. Personally I think the law should also apply to men’s broad shoulders, strong hands, broody scowl, single raised eyebrow, crinkling eyes behind glasses, five o’clock shadow, and deep, warm baritone. And a host of other stuffs like pale feet peeking from the hem of plaid sarungs, and hair damp from wudhu, and velvety voice at the other end of the phone. That will net some thirty to forty percent of men (a few of the tukang ojeks too), leaving only the less sexually appealing (and those with their gonads partially or permanently withered) behind. Less excitement, yes, but fewer risks for us women, too.

  18. Kien Lim Says:

    Well, if one could not incite sexual desire, that would be the end of the human race…

  19. anyabintiluqman Says:

    The bill is only about patriarchy, nothing more…
    i believe in our not-so-good western culture, woman will always be a victim. Man = Sexy, ok….Woman = Sexy, Felony!!!
    In a short way, i will call it structural victimization.
    Keep the sexy in us, if am not mistaken, it’s our right, right?

  20. Definition of porn « Arctic Penguin Says:

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  21. pigflyer Says:

    Burqas????
    I got a friend who chases down women in Burqas and full veils because he actually finds it attractive & sexually arousing.

    So what can a woman in Indonesia wear now? Well, perhaps, nothing at all, because this law seems to be drafted by those disgusted by nudity… so they won’t get turned on right?

  22. Porn, scorn and prickly relationships « Om’bak Says:

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